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January 10, 1930. THE WEST VAN NEWS 7 i Whimsical Review Afternoon Caller-- " And your husband has become violently religious?" Mrs. Radionut-- " I should say so. Last Sunday he picked up the offertory from Fort Worth, the text from Winnipeg, the ser­ mon from Boston and the dox- ology from San Francisco." " I have a terrible rumbling on my stomach. It's like a wagon koing over a bridge." w " it 's most likely that truck j* *ou ate this morning for break­ fast." Dick's parents are well-mean­ ing, but a trifle strict, believing that "to spare the rod is to spoil the child." When Dick was asked by a friend of the family what he would like to be when he grew up, he replied, readily, " An or­ phan." Two small boys were puzzling their brains to invent a new game. At last one of them said, eagerly: "I know, Billy, let's see |vho can make the ugliest face." w " Aw, go on!" was the reply " Look what a start you've got." "Jim lend me a five spot for a moment-- only for a moment." " Quite sure you only want it for a moment?" " Quite sure-- only for a mo­ ment." " All right. Wait a moment, and then you won't want it." The Judge-- " You are charged with running your car sixty miles and hour, smashing a tele­ graph pole and a plate-glass window, and injuring six people. What have you to say?" The Offender-- " Great Scott, Judge, doesn't the fifteen dollars I paid for my license entitle me to any privileges at all?" " Did you give the man the third degree?" asked the police officer. " Yes. We browbeat and badg­ ered him with every question we could think of." " What did he do?" " He dozed o ff and merely said now and then, 'Yes, my dear, you are perfectly right.' " A young couple were enter­ taining some of their friends when they realized that all their plans for entertainment had been exhausted. The situation was becoming critical; but the young husband had the idea of seeing who could make the ugliest face. The contest was agreed upon; and after the judges were ap­ pointed, all the guests tried and tried to make ugly faces. When the time came for a de­ c is io n , one of the judges walked up to one of the women and said: " We have decided to give the prize to you." The guest replied: " Pardon me . but I wasn't playing." " How many ribs have you, Johnny?" asked the teacher. " I don't know, ma'am. I'm so awful ticklish I never could count 'em." Judge-- " Why did you run down this man in broad daylight cn a perfectly straight stretch m of road?" Prisoner -- " Your honor, mj windshield was almost totally ob ured with safety-first stick­ ers. Artificial Celebration Mrs. Ilaughtee (to her sedate butler)-- James, tomorrow is Christmas Day and I want you to turn on the electric refrigera­ tor and make some snowballs for Master Bertram to throw at you. Sergeant (angrily) : " Button up that coat!" Married Recruit (absent-mind­ edly) : " Yes, my dear." MAN WHO BEGAN "SPOONERISMS" It is the fortune of very few men to give a word to the Eng­ lish language. Dr. Spooner, who did so, was for twenty years Warden of New College, but he will live through the word " Spoonerism," which was coined forty years ago to describe a ludicrous form of metathesis, or the transposing of initial letters to form a laughable combination. Dr. Spooner from time to time denied the authorship of many of the slips of speech attributed to him, and Oxford undergradu­ ates have been accused of foist­ ing " spoonerisms" on him. Be that as it may, there is little doubt that this story of the doc­ tor's absent-mindedness is a leg­ end. One day, it is said, Dr. Spoon­ er was going on a train journey. His wife went to the station to see him off. Just before the train left the doctor solemnly kissed the porter and handed a sixpence to his wife! When asked by a young lady if he liked bananas, Dr. Spooner is alleged to have blushed furi­ ously and said, " I'm afraid I al­ ways wear the old-fashioned nightshirt." Here are some " spoonerisms," which may or may not be from the lips of the doctor:-- He is supposed to have an­ nounced a well known hymn from the pulpit as 'Kinkering kongs, their titles take." On an­ other occasion he is supposed to have referred to the " Reversed vision of the Bible." He exclaimed once that " It is empty work preaching to beery wenches," meaning that it was " weary work preaching to empty benches." Dr. Spooner, so the legend goes, once had a maiden aunt, who attained a venerable age, not so venerable, however, that she deserved this greeting: " I am delighted to see you looking as hairless and cappy as ever." The British House of Com­ mons has not been without its amusing spoonerisms. The late Earl of Oxford, when he was Mr. Asquith, once assured the House that his party would not abate their demands one "Jit or tottle" and the late Mr. John Redmond, in an appreciation of the Boers during the South African War, assured the members that they were fine greybeared old burg­ lars (burgers). Under the auspices of the Welfare Society of the West Van United Church an Afternoon Tea and Musical will be held at the home of Mrs. J. Turner Watt, 16th and Esquimalt Avenue, on Wednesday afternoon, January 22nd, from 2.30 to 5.30 o'clock. Mrs. Donald Howieson and Mrs. Watt will be in charge of the af­ fair and a pleasant time is as­ sured. It is earnestly hoped that a large number of friends will attend this Tea as the object is a very worthy one. The entire proceeds under the supervision of Dr. Henry will be used for welfare work. Come and bring a friend. We praise in order to benefit others; we flatter in order to benefit ourselves. THE BURRARD LAUNDRY LIMITED For People Who Are Particular THIRD ST. and ST. DAVIDS North Vancouver Phone North 1310. West Van. Representative F. RIVERS Phone West 410L C L A S S I F I E D A D S Councillor R. M. Blair running for Re-Election to the Council BABU AND HIS FAMILY Two delightful letters from Babus (Indian English-writing clerks) applying for a rise have been sent to The Daily Mail, both perfect examples of the innate verbosity and love of flattery of the writers. The first writer, after spend­ ing nearly half a page of fools­ cap in explaining how hard­ working he is, and how he has not taken a holiday, as have other clerks, for 3 */o years, speaks of his marriage. He says: I must explain that before my marriage ceremony was per­ formed I used to drink liquor and lose money at cards too much, but at this time my father ar­ ranged for my marriage-- which is the custom with poor Hindus -- and hired a house in Lai Kurti Bazaar near to office, so as not to be late, like clerks living in the City. At the time of the aforesaid marriage there were only two family members, my­ self and wife, but now there are nine. In three years my wife has blessed the peaceful household with three adults and 4 adultar- esses in the female line. Al­ though my salary (increment) is only Re 1 per annum, my wife brings forth annual increments to the ramification of this gener­ ation, and, by the lord, there is no end to this mischief . . . The letter continues for an­ other half page till the request is reached in the last sentence but one, ending: And all the members of this household will, as in duty bound, ever pray for your honours' pos­ thumous olive branches. The Dreamer The second letter is in the form of a dream. It is addressed to an official of an Indian rail­ way company, and starts: Most humbly and submissively I beg to say that am a young man of 16 am desirous to open before your goodself the inter­ esting and true dream I have dreamt. Previous night I dreamt am weeping and crying and saying oh my God look upon my hard circumstances and poverty, and help me help me help me. Mean­ while an angel appeared and striking upon my back with his golden hands asked me do not weep my good boy, look to God and you will have just, what is impossible. And ordered me to shut up your eyes, so I obeyed him and after a movement ord­ ered open, as I opened saw such a beautiful scene which is be- ycng discript ion. The letter describes how the present agent, to whom the let­ ter is addressed, is " the lovedest of God, who gives ears to deafs, eyes to blind, and tongues to dumbs." This agent, " sitting on the chair," appoints the writer as­ sistant traffic officer and tells him that it is not a dream, but a reality, and if he writes in the morning it will be confirmed. Hence the ingenuous letter. FOR DRESSMAKING AND SEWING apply 2791 Marine Drive or phone West 74R1. FOR RENT-- Four Roomed Suite, hot water heated. 16th and Marine Drive Phone West 359R. FOR SALE-- Two Waterfront Lots in Hollyburn, 107 foot frontage by 250 feet on corner. What offers. K. W. Savory. Phone West 340. W ANTED -- Land Clearing; Wood Sawing with machine. Large or small jobs. J. Glover. Phone West 214R. PIANOFORTE-- Miss Frame gives careful instruction. 26th and Mar­ ine. Phone West 457L3. FOR PLUMBING REPAIRS-- Phone West 241R. WEBB'S SHOE REPAIRS WEAR BEST-- Dundarave. G E O . HAY Real Estate and Insurance Notary Public Fire Insurance -- Money to Loan PHONE WEST 21 1405 Marine Drive Office Phone West 21 or Sey. 1260 Residence Phone W . 32R or W . 204X WARNING We are informed that two men calling themselves contractors for the B. C. Electric Co. last night approached tw of our resi­ dents for board and rooms. They then persuaded two other West Vancouver residents to cash cheques to enable them accord­ ing to their story to pick up freight from the C.P.R., and have since departed for parts un­ known. The musical director of a sub­ urban church choir handed in his cheques and on his arrival at the Pearly Gates was cordially received by St. Peter. St. Peter who contemplated forming a celestial choir, put the proposition up to him, en­ quiring as to how many he would require. The Choir Master re­ plied, 'Oh, 100,000 sopranos, 60,- 000 contraltos and 40,000 tenors. When St. Peter asked how many bass voices, the Choir Master would want to balance the other voices he stated that he would take that part himself. FOUNDATION CEMENT WORK -- Landscaping and Lawns laid. Rock walls, drains, septic tanks, fencing and land clearing. Phone T. Barnott residence phone, West 290R. NURSING-- Experienced. Sick Child­ ren's. Toronto. Thessalon, Ont., Ross- land, B.C., Trail, B.C. Hospital. Miss Humphreys. Phone West 252R. GARDENS DESIGNED. Laid Out and Maintained. Rock Gardens. Lily and Ornamental Pools. Lawns, Rustic Work. Fencing. Concrete Paths, Drives, etc.. Pruning and Spraying. Landscape and General Gardening. R. J. Kyte, Phone West 411. PAINTING, DECO RATING, FRENCH Polishing, Carley, Phone West 71Y HEMSTITCHING-- Plain., white.. 5c yard; silk and colored 10c yard. Pearce's Drygoods, 14th Street and Marine. Phone West 144. SCHWEPPES LEMONADE, CAN­ ADA DRY GINGERALE and all the Good Brands of Cigars at The Ambleside Tea Rooms. R. P. CLARK & CO. ESTATES LTD. SUPERIOR ULTRA MODERN Home Something which appeals to particular people. Choice loca­ tion; delightful sea view. En­ trance hall with coat recess, snug living room with No. 1 Hardwood Floors and good wide open fireplace of attractive design. Business-like kitchen planned for convenience and work saving. Up to the minute bath room with very best fixtures. Two bedrooms, just the right size. Excel­ lent basement with very efficient heating furnace. This delightful home is unusually well constructed of best standard material and for private reasons is to be sold $500 less than actual builder's cost and is a home that a discriminating pur­ chaser will be highly pleased w'ith. Possession can be had on first pay­ ment of $800 to $1000 cash. EXCLUSIVE AGENTS R. P. CLARK & CO. ESTATES LTD. 790 Dunsmuir St. Seymour 7484 Local Representative C. J. ARCHER, West 225. WANTED TO RENT We want a 4 or 5 room house to lease • for 12 months with option to buy. Must be on upper levels with large lot and well wooded. REDUCED FROM $3500 TO $2,000 6 JRoom House, with full plumbing, fireplace, full basement, garage, large corner lot, only 2 blocks above Drive. Biggest snap on books. Local Representative W. R. SUTTON, West 53R2 GILLESPIE, HART & CO. (> ancouver) LTD. 456 Howe Street. Seymour 9380 You Can Save One Dollar If you pay your te lep h o n e bill by the 18th of the month B. C. TELEPHONE COMPANYr For A ll Kinds of Job Printing Phone North 5 3 S U O B U A K K H M C L K X N V K tT O H . L T D .. PBX N TK H S. N o i r f l i V iN C O D V K H .