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Resampled001B6DE8 October 14, 1927. Whimsical Review Kind Uncle: "lily little man, you mustn't say 'I ain't goin'.'ou must say, 'I am not going.'He is not go-ing.')Ve sre not going.'They are not going.' His Nephew: "Ain't nobody goin'" SIGNING OFF )Vhen little Bennie, who is fond of listening to the children's hour on the vrireless, knelt down to say his prayers the other night, he finished in an un- usual way. At the close of the cus- tomary string of petitions, he said: "This concludes our program for to- night. Good night snd amen." The young mistress sent her colored maid, newly hired. for a bill of toilet articles. "hiandy," said the mistress a few da&s later, "where is that tar soap you got for me the other day'?" "Lawsee, Miss," exclaimed hlandy, "what all's a blonde baby like you to do wid tar soap? Ah thought you ordered it for mah own pussonal use." SHE'D DO IT Mrs. biacthump--"An'hat will ye do now that ye 'ave no mother 7" Jimmy--"I dunno, mum." Mrs. biacthump -- "Well, my boy, whenever ye feel the want of a good lickin', come to me, and I'l be a mother to ye!" YOU SAID A MOUTHFUL "She's her own chaperon!" "How's that?" "bien, you ought to see her face!" Auto Tourist--"I clearly had the right of way when this man ran into me. and yet you say I was to blame." Local Cop--"You certainly was." Autoist--"Why?" I ocal Cop--"Because his father is mayor, his brother is chief of police. snd I go with his sister." "Say, what's Limburger cheese com- posed of?" "It ain't composed. It's decompos- ed." Self-Confessed Hero: "The desert stretched out on all sides of me. I raised my rifle; it went off with a crack; there ahead of me lay a deaf lion." Bored Listener (innocently) i "Hoiv long had it been dead." Young Soliritor (to colored man) "William, who was your wife before you were married." William; "Boss, I didn't have no wife then." SOLD BY THE BUNCH An Easterner, trying to be smart, came to the West and picked up a pumpkin from the vegetable stand, remarking "Is that as large as you grow apples around here?" The Texan rephed: "Hey, drop that grape." We cull the fouowlng advertisement from a German paper: "Furnished apartment for a gentle- man 12 feet long and 10 feet wide." "Do you girls really like conceited men better than the other kind?" "What other kind?"--London Opin ion. "I wish I had lived three hundr;1 years ago." "tvhy so "I shouldn't have had so much his tory to learn." "I think." said the strong.minded fe- male, "that women should be permit- ted to whistle, don't you?'Certainly," replied the cynical bachelor, "there is no earthly reasou why women should be denied the pri- vilege accorded to locomotives and tugboats." "I say. waiter, the flowers on the table are artificial, aren't they'" "Yes, sir. That's the worst of run- ning a vegetarian restaurant--if we use real flowers the customers eat them.' Small Brother: "Ha, ha! I ssw you kiss Sis!'uitor (hurriedly) i "Er--ah--here' a quarter!" "And here's 10 cents change. One price to all, that's the way I do busi- ness." Johnson: "Good heavens, Macpher- son, you'e holed in onel" biacpherson: "Ah, weel, I always like to save wear and tear on the ball." A UTUMN Would I could steal some gold from Autumn's glory, A little gold plucked from her mantle gay; I'd weave a web to catch her passing footsteps, And make her stay. Wou)d I could steal a song of Autumn's singing, A little song, wind-swept from mountain crest; I'd feel its music ring from morn till even, Within my breast. Would I could steal a bit of Aut- umn's magic, A little bit left lingering from her smile; I'd know just how she lights the world with splendour, 'Twould be worth while. Would I could steal a brush from Autumn's paint box, A little brush to paint a brown leaf red; Let memory steal for me the gold and mimson, Ere Autumn's fled. --HONORIA TRAILL. l lail 1lMtlmsstotlÃlslÃasssssssmsas ltassooner FACTS Worth Knowin ollmsssslsasslJBsssxssJIDllsla Uttssssall For a nervous headache try a cup of moderately strong tea in which two or three slices of lem- on have been infused. A strip of carpet glued to a piece of wood will remove mud from shoes without scratching the leather. A few drops of turpentine add- ed to the water in which clothes are boiled will help to whiten them. Turpentine and white soap will remove ink marks from a carpet if applied before the ink dries. Slip the glasses and other deli- cate glassware into the hot dish water edgewise? If you do, they will not crack so easily. When washing sateen, rinse it in borax water to give a good gloss. New blind cords are often stiff and difficult to knot securely. They may be made pliable by rubbing with a piece of soap. Clean mirrors with a pad of tissue paper sprinkled with methylated spirit. e e A little baking powder added to potatoes will make them white and floury Linoleum will not crack if cleaned with oil and vinegar in equal parts. When washing linoleum avoid the use of soda, strong cleaning powders or scouring soap, as these tend to remove the oil and break up the compressed cork substance of which linoleum consists. s A pinch of bicarbonate of soda stirred into milk that is to be boiled will keep it from curd- ling. Stove polish is better moisten- ed with a few drops of vinegar than with cold water. ' s A shabby umbrella can be re- novated by brushing it with a solution of ammonia and warm water. ~ e For corns apply a poultice of white bread soaked in vinegar and cover with a piece of lint. Leave on for twelve hours and then renew. THE WEST VAN NEWS TENDERS OPENED QUEENS AND PALMER- STON PIPE LINE Tenders for the Queens and Palmerston Avenue pipe line were opened by the Council at their meeting on Monday even- ing. The tenders were as fol- lows: Canadian IVood Pipe and Tanks, Ltd., wood.... $6,975.00 Kost Sogoff, steel........ 9,741.00 Kost Sogoff, cast iron 11,088.00 Bartholomew, Mont- gomery Co. Scheme I, cast iron 10,800.00 Local stocks addi- tional ........................ 600.00 11,400.00 Scheme 2 (a) cast iron .............. 10,100.00 Local Stocks addi- tional ................. 700.00 $ 10,800.00 Scheme 2 (b) cast iron .............. 10,100.00 Local Stocks, addit- tional ................... 550.00 $ 10,650.00 Scheme 3 (a) cast iron .................. 9,250.00 Local Stocks addi- tional .................... 900.00 $ 10,150.00 Scheme 3 (b) cast iron .................. 9,250.00 Local Stocks addi- tional .................... 200.00 $9,450.00 Ellis Cotton Steel (British) ........$13,300.00 Steel (Belgian) ...... 12,900.00 The reeve, chahvnan of the IVaterworks Committee, Council- lor Leyland, and the engineer were appointed a committee to examine the merits of the above tenders, and report. A quotation was received from the Grinnell Co., giving the fol- lowing prices on cast iron pipe: 2000 ft. 4" diameter, class "C" British standard @ 431/&c per foot .................... $870.00 2670 ft. 4" diameter, class "D" British standard @ 49e per foot ......................... 1,308.30 5530 ft. 6" diameter class "C" British standard (I 79c per foot ......................... 4,368.70 $6,547.00 FERRY PASSENGER LIST CONTINUES TO GROW The North Vancouver City Council is arranging to hold a meeting in North Vancouver which will be addressed by Gen- eral F. Sutton on the latter's return from the Upper Country. to ivhich the Council have been invited. As many councillors as possible will attend when the time and date have been arrang- ed. The salmon produced this year in British Colunibia if packed entirely into lb. tall tins and the tins placed end to end would reach from Van- couver to Halifax and back again. The Municipal Ferries carried 66,399 passengers last month as against 61,038 in the correspond- ing month last year. This is an increase of 5,361, and is the greatest number of passengers carried in any September since the Ferries have been in opera- ation. These figures show unmistak- ably the steady growth that is taking place in the permanent population of the district. GENERAL SUTTON TO ADDRESS NORTH SHORE COUNCILS CLASSIFIED ADS. SPECIALS LARGE )VATERFRONT LOT at Dun- darave, what offers. CLEARED 50 ft. Lot on North Side Marine Drive. Close to ferry. 3600 terms. 4-ROOh!ED COTTAGE, Close to Fer. ry on paved road. 31200 cash. FUllNISHED AND UNFURNISHED HOUSES TO RENT. We wish to announre that MR. R. P. BLO)VER Late of Savory & Duval is now con- nected with this office. GEO. HAY 140& iilarine Drwe 31o Cordova W )Vest 21 Sey. 1260. R. P. Clarke & Co. (Vancouver) Ltd. DUN DARAVE HO!!IE--Four Rooms with attic, sun-room, full plumbing fireplace, large lot, well developed garden, pleasant view, convenient location; 32750 on terms to be ar- ranged. ALTAMONT -- New Bungalow, all conveniences, large basement. very nice lot with natural young trees, and view of water; 33300 on terms. SNAP in Building Lot convenient to Ferry, good investment at price of 3175 on terms or 3165 cash. SPECIALISING in this Attractive Growing Suburb, )VE HAVE SOLD OVER 318 000 OF )VEST VAN. PROPERTY THIS MONTH. Fiscal Agents: R. P. Clarke & Co. (Vancouver) Ltd. 823 Hastings St. W. Sey. 7483, 748.1 Local Representative C. J. ARCHER. West 651L Have Your Name Placed on the Voters'ist Persons desiring and entitled to have their names placed on the Voters'ist for 1928 as Householders or Licence Hold- ers, must file a declaration (which may be made before a Notary Public, or the undersign- ed) in the form provided, on or before the 31st day of October 1927. Forms may be obtained at the Municipal HalL The above notice under the signature of James Ollason, Municipal Clerk, is given in the advertising columns of this pap- er. DRESSMAKING--blrs. Robbins, 28th and blarine. Phone West 74R1. RADIO--See )vest Van. Electric about your Radio. TAILORLVG--Children's Clothes. Alt- erations. Phone West 63R3. FOR RENT--Unfurnished Five-room Bungalow on Waterfront at Alta mont Phone Leyland )vest 63R? VACUUM TO REVT--See West Van Electric. Phone West 108. NEW AND SECOND HAND Furni- ture bought, sold, snd exchanged. Fred Tits, Kevill's Old Stand, Am- bleside. LAWNS MAD~meat Floors anf S.dewalks laid; Rocl'alls built. T. Barnott, Residence Phone 672R. BATTERIES TESTED--)Viring, etr. Vacuum to rent. West Van. Elertrir. Phone West 108. NE)VMAN & ROBBIVS Builders and Contrartors--Painting, paper- hanging and kalsomining, chimneys built. 28th and Marine. Phone West 74R!. CHILDREN COACHED in Arithmetic History and Geography. Terms moderate. Phone West 333. HEMSTITCHING--Plam white sc yard; silk and colored loc yarthPearce's Drygoods, 14th Street anJ biamne Phone West 144 %INDO)V BLLVDS--blade to order and installed. Estimates free. Pearee's Drygoods. 14th Street and biarine. Phone West 144. FOR RENT--Four roomed Bungalow. very attractive bright place, open iireplace, modern. Full plumbing. lveygang, Esquimalt and 20th. FOR RENT--Three aud Five roomed houses in Dundarave. Phone West 83. GOOD HOME and mother attention offered to chid. Whole or part time. "Home," cio West Van. News. FOR RENT--Four lower rooms. Part furnishwL Half block west of Ferry. 1433 Bellevue. LOST--Small brown purse on 14th Street last Saturday. Please phone West 642R. FOR RENT--Cottage at Waterfront and Bellevue. Apply Pearson, West 429L. bIONEY TO LOAN 3500.00 up No delay West Van. Investment Coy. Notary Public West iso You Can Save One Dollar If you pay your telephone bill by the 18th of the month B. C. TELEPHONE COMPANY